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My Why

Updated: Aug 12, 2019

Let us back track about 4 1/2 years. I was at my all time heaviest after giving birth to my youngest nugget Ry. I could literary not take my eyes of her, and man was she such a happy baby. I should have been in heaven. But I was far from it. I would get so mad at myself, because even with the years of schooling, the therapy appointments, and working in mental health for 5 years… I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO BE HAPPY! It wasn’t hidden in any text book, there wasn’t any magic spell, at least not that I could find. And I allowed my depression to overhaul my entire life. I would have let it totally take me under, but the universe wasn’t ready for me to go out just yet.

That little voice in the back of my head, the one I didn’t even hear most of the time. The one being drowned out by the loud overbearing woman reminding me that nothing I felt really mattered. Well that voice was my savior, without it my isolation may have turned to something a bit more permanent. I had always felt so alone in this world, but it kept pushing me to see what tomorrow had in store. And man am I glad I held out. It got so much better.

Now I know there has to be someone out there thinking “Why weren’t your kids enough to bring you out of it?” And as much as I wish I could have “snapped out of it” for them. That wasn’t the case for me.

I had been diagnosed with major depression not long before my 16th birthday. I was quickly put on pharmaceuticals and taken to see numerous counselors. It never helped. I was never comfortable enough to talk to anyone. When I was younger, never learning how to have a conversation, and small talk was not my strong suit either. My communication skills were strained. Long story short, my brain pattern had been deeply seeded. Now throw in 2 pregnancies fucking with my hormones. I was a beautiful mess. I just couldn’t see the beauty yet.

I have always wanted to help heal the world, but what I hadn’t taken into consideration was that much like the WORLD, I was going to have to heal myself first. You know that saying “you can not give from an empty cup” it’s not some over used rhetoric. Basically, the quality of the care you give to others will greatly increase, as your quality of life does. Trust me, no one is more worth it than you. Once I started showing up for myself in that loving way, I started being the role model I had always wanted to be for my kids. They now see that everything they need in this life exists right inside of them.

Where has your life taken you? How do you show up for yourself?

W/ Love Jess

#lifestyle #decisionmaking

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